A Real Reason To Crumble.
Since you guys are a part of my life i thought I’d share this part of it. So you could really know how I’m doing and be with me every step of the way. So this is a letter i sent to someone who owns my heart for the simple fact that…wow…that, I am …>sorry.
I have so many wishes for today, and this is my greatest confession yet. I’m not an angel, I don’t have wings, I’m arrogant, I’m possessive, I have too much pride for my own good and I’m bitter. But I’m in love, only I don’t deserve him, I’m on all fours for every mistake I’ve ever made, I had you once kicked you to the curb twice and you’ve gone. My tears, my pride not even whipped cream and yogurt can help me now. I’m ready to step down and to put aside my pride I’m ready to let you in with all it takes they say that time heals everything you’re one thing I don’t want to forget I don’t want to loose, the One thing I want . I’m hoping you’ll read this somehow and understand I regret all I said all I did because my heart ACHES for yours. I don’t know if you are going to read this, but all games and pride aside. Out in the open, please, make me whole again…?
This is my last try at reaching out, and after this message I won’t bother you again. All my hopes go on it hoping you will see the honesty behind it. I agree I have been the most ridiculous hurtful bitch. Only because, you wounded my pride enough to bring the bitch out of me. Only because (as I told you) I care so much about you I’d say “Love”. I remember you once told me you weren’t perfect and I said neither was I. You said you wanted it (us) to work. And so did I, against all odds and wrongs. Granted you have tried, and I have tried and it flunked ONCE because I didn’t put much of myself in it, because I… we were hurt, because I was stupid.
I wanted to thank you for being the more mature, better, bigger person, and excuse myself for being such a cold hard bitch. I wanted to tell you I realized I can’t do much without you (I know that’s coming on strong) and that you’re the missing part in most of my days. STP arrêtons de nous faire du mal. Soyons sensé, par ce que je ne peux pas continuer comme ça. I want you to forgive me and everything I have said or done. I’ve disappointed you I agree maybe I’ve hurt you and I apologize, things won’t be the same I know . But I’ll give it my best, Please let’s just start over.
The best explanation, on the significance of all this is: I was stuck in a moment that wasn’t meant to last and I was scared because suddenly it was clear how much you meant to me, it still is and it freaks me out…it freaked me out so I took an “exit” at the first occasion I had, now I know I don’t want that. I mean, I don’t want to miss you a little…I suppose, a Little too much, a little too often and a little more each day. I just don’t want to have to miss you, at all. Gods!! I’m not good at this…writing letters…this is actually my first letter…And I so don’t want to say it but isn’t this what it is? I think you’re worth everything…even my totally pathetic attempt of an apology (ergo this note) Yes I think you’re worth everything and nothing is worth hurting you. I just want you to listen to me…well, read me. I’m not asking for a lifetime I’m just asking for a chance.
I want to call you, talk to you, say “baby” again, I want to smile and cry and laugh, I want to argue with you about anything and everything, I don’t want to fake it or force it…writing this is taking so much out of me because I’m taking the risk of putting my heart out on the open to you I’m taking a risk and I’ll take any leap and any road if I know it’ll lead me back to you.
I’m not playing a game. I don’t want to. I just want you and even if I ignore it, put it aside, try to get rid of it, it’s still you. I’m putting the last dot on this e-mail hoping I’ve touched something inside you that’s neither pity nor annoyance. If you don’t call or answer back at least I know one thing; I got a real reason to crumble.
Hello Emmanuelle,
Wow!! How courageous you are to make such an honest, heart-felt public confession. As a man who’s also the father of a beautiful pearl of a girl, I extend my hand in peace to you and my ear to you if you ever need to talk. Matters not what happens next, you have no reason to crumble or to die because of what has happened.
We all fall down, make mistakes, and say things we wish we could take back but can’t. But right now, the key is to keep risin’ after every fall and admit the truth to ourselves and to God about what we’ve done. Even if the man in your life doesn’t forgive, God will.
How are you doing today, right now? Do you trust God enough to know that He knows what’s best for you? I’ll wait to hear from you. You’d be surprised to discover how many people love you and need you to survive. Hope to hear from you soon.
Hi Emmanuelle,
What a beautiful young lady you are. One that is full of grace. Full of life. And you are so full of value, so worthy. Our emotions so often catch us off guard, especially emotions of love and passion. We experience emotions we think we’ll never feel again, it makes us want to bottle them up so that they can never get away. When in reality, and this may sound cliche (so forgive me if it does), God really does have so much more for us.
Crumbling, sometimes, can be okay. As long as you realize that out of the crumble comes greater life. You are experiencing great heartache. But it is such a process to go through pain. It’s so hard to see your way out of it. Yet, there is always a way out of it, and God will show you the way. So if you’re going to crumble, please, crumble into God’s loving arms. Just cry out to Him. He will be there for you.
I remember a time where I was going through great pain because of a relationship I was involved in. Without knowing I was crying out to God, I did, and I immediately felt the greatest sense of peace. It took awhile to recover from that, but I did. So I know God can lead you and guide you out of this.
Please know that you have a community out here who cares for you, even though we’ve never met. Please let us know how you’re doing.
Wow…Thank you so much for your kind words. It heals a little to write and a little more to see that someone cares…Thank you. A Woman is only whole if she find peace in the arms of the only man who ‘ll never stop loving her. God .
Hello Emmanuelle,
My wife, Kwiz, and I meant every word. We’ve had our hearts broken many times before but God always had something better than we ever expected waiting for us when we least expected it.
Each relationship prepares you for the next. We learn by doing. How much have you learned about yourself by not being afraid to love? Have you ever heard the song, “Imagine Me,” by Kirk Franklin? Imagine how wise Emmanuelle will be a week, a month, and a year from now.
The more you know about yourself, the more you will learn to love yourself. Isn’t it comforting to know that God already loves you just the way you are. Since God’s love never fails, no wonder Jesus chose the nails.
May the peace of God be with you always.
he does not think i am full of grace neither does he think that i am full of life….then again he is considering whether i am after all, valuable.
Complete loss of time for god thinks i am perfect.
Emmanuelle, I’m not sure who you were talking about in your comment where you say “he does not think i am full of grace…” I’m assuming you’re talking about the man who’s being referenced in your post. If that’s the case, no matter what anyone else thinks, God looks at you as His beautiful, wonderful child. There is no one who has a more lovely view of you as God does. And ultimately, He’s the One who gives you live and breath each day. He’s the One who gives you opportunity each day. He’s the One who puts genuine love in your life. Let Him do it. But let Him do it in His own time, and allow Him to heal your heart in the meantime.
Thank you Kwiz:)
Hi, I landed on your blog/website by pure coincidence and saying that your writing is pretty good is quite an understatement. What really intrigued me is the original sincerity that your writing emits. For instance this one “Real reason to crumble”, something tells me it has personal written all over it, yet you can be really that passionate and this stuff just comes naturally to you. But I strongly doubt it though. The individual you mention in your passage must really mean a lot to you. My best advice would be to grab your courage with both hands and call that person and let them know what is in your heart, unless of course he lives in the states or foreign country and contacting them is a real hassle (coming from haiti and all). Anyway, keep up the good work and if writing your thoughts on paper or posting them does not suffice, just know that I am a die hard fan already willing to lend you a shoulder to lean on.
Hi Carlos
i’m sorry it took me a year to get back to you.
I have been going trough more then i should have been able to handle
But i’m back on the saddle!