You look at me with your stone brown eyes, and I hate every part of me…how angry I am at myself for ever feeling anything that is not indifference towards you.

You join in with the others, pointing, and laughing at me, in the hallways, in public …but today it’s at school; and you’ve done so well at not noticing me today that tears start prickling my eyes. I can’t look at you. You make me sick…. the way you can be so…different.

And they all walk away, but you stay close for a second, and I see in your eyes that there was, if even just for a moment, a flash of guilt….a place that not even you are sure of; a place that not even God knows exists. But I do. I know

It’s happened sometimes; a moment’s settled, and hovered, and remained, sound stopped, and movement stopped, for much, much more than a moment.

And then the moment was gone.

You walk away, and I’m left alone, confused, with nothing but the dust in my eyes and the scars on my soul to let me know that what just happened was real.

Why do you do this to me? Why can’t you just walk away from it all; leave me alone?

I’m left again with the hatred I felt back in 7^th grade, but back then I hated you for being an annoying patronizing bastard; now I detest you for very different reasons.

For making me fall in love with you so bad.

For breaking my heart.

I see you and your friends disappear around the corner, and slowly I stand up from my bench and make my way to my locker; i find a message on my phone

It’s from you.

You’re calling at 7:30 and you want me to meet you Saturday at your house.

Why must you do this to me? If you left me alone, I’d be able to cope. I could get on and have a life, without wondering what it is you are doing at that very same moment. If you’re thinking about me… the way I’m thinking about you.

On Saturday, I meet you. I hate you right then, because even after you sent me that message to meet you, you ignored me and walked away with your friends again. You open the door quietly, and let it close behind me. It does not slam and it stresses me

I want to talk to you; tell you how I feel about all this, but you get close to me and my throat turns dry. I don’t think i want this: you and me, alone. I don’t want it because I know that whatever you want from me, I won’t be able to say no. You never force anything to happen, but it’s just that I am so weak when I see your lips, and when you touch me…

But I cannot. Not this time. I won’t let you do this to me again. I can’t. I need to get away from the pain it’s causing me. You speak to me; your words are soft, and my heart begins to melt at the sound of your voice.

You want to know how I am.

Well how do you think I fucking am? I feel like shit all day, everyday, but behind closed doors, only when no one else can see or hear, you become the person that makes me want to die. I want to die because I can’t be with this person all the time; because this person doesn’t want to be with me all the time; only when it suits you.

I want to crush every bone in your body; every word that leaves your mouth; every muscle that moves under my small hands. But you know already, that deep inside, I don’t want this to end.

So, I shrug calmly, and answer.

“I’m alright, I guess, How are you?”

Your soft lips move into mine, and they melt into one. We melt into one. You push me back so that I’m lying on your bed; your lips …. My neck, your hands…that spot that you find so naturally. I’m lost.

I lose all self control and give in, because what difference will one more night make? It can do no harm in the long run to spend one more night with you. I feel you against me, and our bodies press intimately close.

You manage to unclasp my blouse before I can even realize what is happening. You seem to delight in the taste of my skin, and I love every second of it. You tease me and make me ache for your touch.

My mind regains some thought, and I move my fingers effortlessly on your back, you lift me up so that my legs wrap around your waist, but you don’t allow yourself to move

I need you, and as you continue to torture me, I forget all reasons for not wanting this. Why would anyone deny themselves pure ecstasy?

I edge for some friction, hips, arms, back, torso and rhythm. Your skin is so soft and smooth under my hands. My nails dig into the skin of your back just above where my legs straddle you.

Not long afterwards, our bodies still entwined, you’re sweaty and hot, I’m moist and burning, but you’re playing video games and I am on the phone.

You ask once more if I’m okay. You tell me I seem quiet; if there’s something on my mind; if there’s something I want to talk about.

I’d like to say that the answer is yes.

I’m lost in a world of aching and paining for real life to leave me alone. I want to be able to tell you how I’ve been feeling; how I’ve wanted to have you. Not like how I just did- a quick hook-up at your house, but really have you.

I want to tell you that.

But I can’t. Because it would become too complicated. It would become more than what we intended it to be. It would become real, and that’s what we agreed it never could be.

So, I tell you that I’m fine; that there’s nothing to tell.

“Well, as long as you’re sure.” You reply with no real concern.

Then you stand up from the bed, manage to hold my hand, pull on your clothes, and fix my hair with a disconcerting tenderness as I wait for mother to pick me up

At home, I grab some Ben & jerries, sit in my bathtub, and cry, once again.

I love you so much.

I hate you.

I need you.

Later, I lie down, pulling my P.J’s around me, and cry some more.

 

Je m’en rappelle comme d’hier

J’étais jeune, sans soucis

Et je te prenais pour acquise

A l’époque tu étais le monde

D’ailleurs je ne te l’ai jamais avoué

Maintenant que j’y pense

J’aurais dû te dire…

Tout ce a quoi j’ai pensé

Et que je ne peux qu’écrire

C’est un peu tard, je sais

Du moins …

En attendant une autre chance

 Je t’écris…

Je fais quoi moi si tu n’es plus la ?

J’ai essayé de te chercher

Et… je croyais souvent t’avoir trouvée

Mais ce n’était jamais toi

Des fois la nuit, je jette un coup d’œil

Sur ma vie si tu étais restée

Je sais qu’il faudrait que je te laisse partir

…et que je vive

Peut-être ais-je  assez pleuré

C’est ce qui est difficile avec ce genre d’histoires

Qui avant de commencer déjà s’achève

 la mémoire qui étouffe

Mais on s’en sert afin de survivre

«  Un jour on se reverra

Quelque part l’histoire reprendra

Tu me l’a juré, on se reverra

Et ni le ciel ni les étoiles ne nous sépareraient

Nous les petites filles aux  400 coups »

Maintenant que j’y pense, j’aurais dû te dire…

Je sais, c’est un peu tard

Mais en attendant que tu reviennes

Je t’écris…

«  Tu étais celle qui allait faire de moi la jeune fille que j’aurais du être

Maman me l’a dit

Mais personne ne le saura…

Ça fait mal de ne pas savoir quand je te reverrai

Aujourd’hui où peut être demain

Ça me tue de vivre dans le passé et le regret,

Mais je le fais malgré tout

….Je fais quoi si tu n’es plus las ?

Es-ce qu’un jour on se reverra ?

Quelque par es-ce que l’histoire reprendra ?

Tu as juré…

Que ni le ciel, ni les étoiles

Ne nous séparera

Et en attendant que tu reviennes

Je t’écris a toi

Ma grande sœur perdue

Que ce sont nos souvenirs

Qui m’empêchent de vivre

Mais souvent je m’en sers

Afin de survivre

…je te le jure, on se reverra. »

Je pense a lui

Je le vois , je le sens, je l’adore

Et mon sourire ne ment pas quand je suis avec lui

J’aime bien lui parler de tout ce que j’ai sur le coeur
Du chemin que j’ai fait et de tout mes regrets

Je crois pourtant qu’il est seul
Mais qu’il voit d’autres filles

Je ne sais pas ce qu’elles veulent

ni les choses qu’elle lui disent

Et je ne sais pas ou je suis, quelque part dans sa vie

Ou si je compterai demain plus qu’une autre aujourdh’ui

Mais; Je pense a lui, Je le vois , je le sens, je l’adore

Et mon sourire ne ment pas quand je suis avec lui
Il est si pres de moi , pourtant je ne sais pas…comment lui dire; Que lui seul peut decider qu’on se parlent d’amour  ou d’amitie

moi je reves de ses bras

Mais je ne sais comment l’aimer

Et je ne peux decider entre amour ou amitie

On dirait que mon coeur est bien trop grand

Rien a lui dire

Il est si pres de moi , pourant je ne sais pas…

Rien qu’un sourire a attendre, a vouloir , esperer…

Il est si pres de moi.
Je n’ai pas appris a me passer de lui

When I lost faith

When I stumbled

You were right there

There were hard times,

And I survived;

Just because you were by my side,

And took me in ;

with all I have

with all I am

The road might have been too long;

The wind too strong

Through sorrow

or darkest nights

when there were heartaches, deep inside

Just like a prayer; you’d be there

And I promise you, all my life

For every act of love you’ve done

…I owe you one.

I rise from my bed that offers no comfort from the thought of you; the thing that has plagued my life and has no cure. To me, you’re there; smiling, laughing, or sitting here with that look you get when you think no one is looking, when you let your mind wonder to those ”what if” moments you never share. It’s a game of yours that I get sucked into; it wears on me, not being able to speak of it. It’s heavy.

It’s hard to keep my resolve, no, my promise to myself; that I don’t want to feel like this; like I’ll die if I don’t speak out, if I don’t let someone know that I cared more than you could possibly ever know, that I loved you to the point where I don’t remember if there was a time I didn’t, that I want to stop the crying, the covering up, and get over it.

For years I held this secret close to my heart. Yes I wanted to be there by your side forever; yes I believed I was the only one for you; the only one who knew you better than yourself. And now I can’t even look in the mirror anymore because I’m ashamed that I still feel this way after all this time. As I walk to class …again and again…I coach myself why it couldn’t work out. For years I watched you, spoke with you, argued with you, and agreed with you. I don’t know how much more I can do though. This isn’t good for me, I’m smarter than this.

I always thought I’d tell you one day, but I never found that courage I needed.  I wonder if you even remember when I said it once on the stairs. I was 4 steps above you, eye level for once, arguing about some stupid thing when I yelled it. You turned quiet again and just looked at me with those piercing eyes of yours. Damn you! You turned around and walked out of the room. You left me, again.

And I was alone, just like I am now, sitting in this chair looking out at the world, and I wonder why I put myself through this. Everything changed and we know why. It changed me more than anything.  The truth was exposed; it was all one sided. All I know is that every minute alone is like having the warmth sucked out of me. It stings. Why I’d have to spend my life wishing for something I knew could never come true?   I’d keep telling myself it wouldn’t work but it’s hard to convince a fallen heart.

I needed to try harder, see you less, so I started to put every photo away, blocked you, deleted you, everything… I got rid of the photo in my room of the two of us at the sports banquet, where you have your arms around me, looking at me. If you just glance at it, it looks like we’re, no, you’re happy and we’re “together”. I’m playing the pretend game again, you see. Then reality strikes…there’s no you.

Maybe one day you’ll wake up and see me. But, I’ll have moved on. I’ll be over you. So I hope you don’t show up anytime soon or I’ll lose it completely, I think, I won’t be able to move on , I can’t be strong when you’re near. I wish I could pack the memories away. This way you’re not here. I can move on, be strong, and realize I’m not the one who can open your eyes…

It’s all in the trash, 3 years in the trash. That’s sad.

-My breath catches.

I see you standing here and my resolve leaves. You look lost with your downcast pleading eyes. Why am I the one you come to? If you would keep your distance I could move forward. Thoughts of you plague me. Now you’re here and I’m at a loss as to what I am supposed to feel or for that matter, do. 

Trying to collect my senses, thoughts and nerve as I look at you…The anger that has been inside me for so long is bubbling over and I’m tired of holding it in. I’m tired of being the strong one who never lets the world know what she is really thinking.  No one has done what you have. And no one made me feel like you did. I’m just tired.

Why are you here? You stare at me with unblinking eyes and I notice that I’m not breathing. Deciding if I want you to answer truthfully or trying not to care at all. 

You blow out a breath; I stop and look at you. You have that crooked smile and I know you think that works and fixes everything…but it doesn’t, not anymore. 

I guess you realized that you’re not getting anywhere in this conversation. You get up, take one last look at me and leave. That breath I’ve been holding escapes at once and I feel tears in my eyes.

…I think; Screw the world! “Broken my heart again” would be sarcasm. You broke it, ripped it out of my chest, stomped on it , put it through a shredder and back in place…to many times.